and she reads

And then 2 years passed.... Ok, maybe not quite, but pretty close!

You are kind of like a person now? You want to be involved in our conversations. And you have conversations! We drive home and we can talk about how our days were. An actual conversation:

Me: "What did you do at daycare?"
You: "I play Riley" (a friend of yours)
Me: "What else did you do?"
You: "You work at liberry!"

So, the conversations include a lot of non-sequiturs, but they are actual conversations!

You are so fun right now. So hard and so fun and so hard and so fun. From minute to minute and day to day it's a constant up and down. This weekend for instance was quite difficult. Every transition (diaper changes, nap time, bed time, brushing teeth, getting in the car) was difficult and often caused you to become massively upset. But then Monday was lovely. You were fun and cooperative and just so nice! Usually it's just moments throughout the day that are difficult. And it's hard to change as quickly as you do, to not just assume that you are super crabby all day. Your emotions are so close to the surface that a small upset becomes a big upset very quickly.

And the patience. In the list of Eliza's top 10 phrases, "No, I do it," is near the top. You want to put on your shoes, climb up on the chair, spread peanut butter on your bread, get your water from the other room. It seems like half of the point of parenting is just to help you become more independent, so obviously these things are good, but they take soooo lonnnnng. I am stretching my patience every day. It's wonderful and it really does work much better for everyone in the long run. Forcing the issue often just starts a battle and the battle is not worth it.

I'll try not to wait 2 years before writing again.

Oh, my 7 month old. Today you are 7 months old. I missed a lot of writing about you.

You would not take naps longer than 45 minutes from when you were 2 months old to about 6 months old. It drove me crazy in ways that are hard to remember because it is hard to understand how naps could make a person that crazy. A two month old still needs attention almost all of the time when she is awake. And you were far from sleeping through the night. Until you were about 13 or 14 weeks old and I went back to work and you went to daycare it was you and me all day. I was probably getting 6 or less hours of sleep every night and there was no napping for me during the day because almost exactly the time I could finally settle and close my eyes you would wake up from your nap. This was worse than just not trying to nap (which didn't stop me from hoping and trying anyway). When you were awake you were generally fine, just needy in the way that I assume most babies are needy when they are so young. Needy in a way that is hard to understand now that you happily sit and play with toys without too much parental assistance. I struggled for awhile with trying to get you to nap longer. I don't think I accepted it so much as was forced to give up.

In some ways it was easier when I went back to work but daycare was very rough for you the first month or so. You got RSV and bronchiolitis (both of which you handled quite well but it was still rough). You got hand foot and mouth disease. You had a phlegmy cough for what seemed to be a month straight. There was a week where you would barely eat and wouldn't sleep entire days at daycare. All of this hurt me so much. I felt like I was causing you to have to go through this (I still feel that way a little bit). I cried at work multiple times - sometimes on my own, sometimes in front of coworkers. It felt like my fault for going back to work. I am not against daycare but leaving such a tiny confusing baby with a bunch of strangers felt like such a stupid horrible thing to have to do.

(I needed/need to work. I love my job and my coworkers are amazing. I am so happy where I am and for good or bad being able to work I think makes me a better mom to you. I have loved you since you were born but once I was back at work I got to really feel it because I was not so overwhelmed and bogged down in the day to day, hour to hour of caring for you. I missed you. And I enjoy you so much on weekends or evenings now.)

Your daycare teachers were kind and I'm sure they did their best with you but they (or we?) were not great at communicating. Your teachers would fill out a report card about you every day and there were 4 moods that could be circled: Crying, Fussy, Alright or Happy. Almost every day, crying, fussy or nothing were circled. I swear you were there a month before you got an alright and 2 months before a happy. It is so much better now. We started to see slow differences about a month or a month and a half after you started. One teacher said you were her favorite and that if you were fussing all she had to do was talk to you and you would be fine again. And now you seem so entirely happy when I feed you at lunch or pick you up after work. You are almost always being held or playing contentedly with toys.

You've moved up to a new room now (a week ago) and they all love to comment on your legs and feet. When you are excited, happy, upset, your legs kick and move whether you are lying down, sitting up or being held. And especially when you are happy, your feet twirl in little circles. It is one of the best moments of my day to pick you up at daycare and have you smile big at me and start kicking your feet.

You have big beautiful toothless smiles. And when you are very happy, your whole body smiles.

You were and are such a happy baby. So observant and focused. It has been amazing watching your motor skills catch up to your attention. You easily pick things up and manipulate them now. You love "talking" whenever you have things in your mouth - your hands or toys. You will babble a little but often just make loud yelling noises.

You like to play peekaboo. It is one of the few things that makes you laugh (you are happy but you make us work pretty hard for a giggle). I put a blanket over your face and you pull it off and seem so incredibly happy to see me. And then we do it again and again.

Your dad has been doing bedtime with you almost every night for months now. He was the one who got you to fall asleep on your own. Your bedtime is 7 and almost every night after bottle, pjs, and story, he sets you down in your crib with a pacifier and lovey and you grumble for 10 minutes (almost exactly) and then fall asleep. It is amazing. I feel surprised by it almost every time it happens.

You are wonderful and I am doing my best to enjoy all of my minutes with you.

Things I want to remember at 6 weeks:

How sometimes when you are upset by something, you let out a sad cry and then make the saddest frowning face - almost a caricature of a frown, like one of those drama masks. It makes me giggle.

How when you are sleeping unswaddled, you sometimes throw your hands up above your head. You stretch out slowly,  and then go right back to sleeping.

How you look when you are swaddled. We call you our baby burrito - just an adorable face poking out of your tight blanket. My snugglebug.

How sometimes right after you eat, you get squirmy and fidgety and then all of the sudden quiet down and almost freeze into sleep. Like somebody flipped an off switch.

How you make grunty noises and baby elephant noises in your sleep. I'm ready for this phase to be over but I still want to remember that it existed. Last night, you made a noise that sounded exactly like laughter, a little chuckle. Somehow both your dad and I were awake enough to hear it and it was wonderful. I'm so excited for your smiles and your laughter.

How your dad will sing you to sleep with songs that we love (Book of Love, Such Great Heights, Apartment Story). He is amazing and so good with you.

Things are getting easier.

You are a month old tomorrow. Mostly things are amazing and wonderful and I am so glad you are here and healthy and seem as happy as someone who is not smiling yet can seem. Please keep that in mind because I sense that the rest of this may not reflect that accurately.

You rarely cry and are easy to soothe right now. Those are both wonderful traits and I am grateful for both of them but in that way that you know other people are worse off and you can tell yourself that but it doesn't really make it easier for you.

You really seem to hate sleeping. As in you just keeps your eyes open constantly for as long as you  possibly can. Not crying or anything - just wide awake. This doesn't become a problem until you get overtired and it is completely impossible to get you to sleep even tho you've been awake for (in one case) 6 hours. Yes, I googled it. That is quite unusual for a 2 week old.

.....

Coming back to look at this when you are now 7 months old. Things are so different. It was so hard then. You weren't colicy or cyring much but you were often so determined not to sleep. And it felt like it would be that way forever. The hardest part for me was still coming tho. Short naps - the bane of my existence. More on that later I think.

You're here!

Hi baby,

We're still waiting for you. I'm almost 42 weeks pregnant and doing well. I've been able to stay pretty positive. The hardest time for me was actually when I thought we were going to induce at or right before 41 weeks. I was just so nervous about that decision. Luckily our doctor thought it was safe to wait a little longer for you. And I'm glad because (without getting into details) my body seems to be more ready this week than it was last week. So, even if labor doesn't start on its own, I'm guessing things will go more smoothly.

I wanted to tell you how amazing your dad is. His excitement has been a really helpful counterpoint to any nervousness I have lately. I am so excited to meet you too, but I sometimes get bogged down in practicalities. Your dad has described waiting for you as being like Christmas Eve and told me that he thinks his heart will explode when he gets to hold you. Writing those things just made me cry - granted I cry pretty easily right now, but it's been incredible seeing how excited he is to meet you.

Your Mom

Hi baby,

My due date is about a week away now. I was doing so good at just thinking, "end of October" rather than a specific date but it's much harder as it gets closer. I have had a few moments of "I am going to be pregnant forever", but for the most part I'm still managing to stay reasonably peaceful and accepting of what may come.

So we are about as ready as we can be for you. You really like kicking and moving in there. I love hearing your heartbeat every week now. I still have a hard time believing that there is going to be another person in our house, in our life. I am so very much looking forward to seeing what you are like.

If I'm anxious about anything it is my mood after you are born. I don't do so well with hormones sometimes and I know that that combined with lack of sleep is going to be rough. Your dad has pointed out how much everyone likes to tell parents-to-be how hard it all is. How we won't get any sleep, and you'll probably have colic, and there will be poop everywhere. Your dad and I are pretty practical people however. So, while I'm sure we can't imagine the exact amounts of sleeplessness, crying and poop, I don't think we will exactly be surprised by most of those things. What people should tell us is all of the amazing moments that I know we will have. I have a good feeling that despite all of the tough stuff, getting to hold you will make it worth it.

Oh yea, and so far (not to jinx it, I hope) my belly button did not pop out. Thank goodness.

Your Mom