and she reads

Oh, my 7 month old. Today you are 7 months old. I missed a lot of writing about you.

You would not take naps longer than 45 minutes from when you were 2 months old to about 6 months old. It drove me crazy in ways that are hard to remember because it is hard to understand how naps could make a person that crazy. A two month old still needs attention almost all of the time when she is awake. And you were far from sleeping through the night. Until you were about 13 or 14 weeks old and I went back to work and you went to daycare it was you and me all day. I was probably getting 6 or less hours of sleep every night and there was no napping for me during the day because almost exactly the time I could finally settle and close my eyes you would wake up from your nap. This was worse than just not trying to nap (which didn't stop me from hoping and trying anyway). When you were awake you were generally fine, just needy in the way that I assume most babies are needy when they are so young. Needy in a way that is hard to understand now that you happily sit and play with toys without too much parental assistance. I struggled for awhile with trying to get you to nap longer. I don't think I accepted it so much as was forced to give up.

In some ways it was easier when I went back to work but daycare was very rough for you the first month or so. You got RSV and bronchiolitis (both of which you handled quite well but it was still rough). You got hand foot and mouth disease. You had a phlegmy cough for what seemed to be a month straight. There was a week where you would barely eat and wouldn't sleep entire days at daycare. All of this hurt me so much. I felt like I was causing you to have to go through this (I still feel that way a little bit). I cried at work multiple times - sometimes on my own, sometimes in front of coworkers. It felt like my fault for going back to work. I am not against daycare but leaving such a tiny confusing baby with a bunch of strangers felt like such a stupid horrible thing to have to do.

(I needed/need to work. I love my job and my coworkers are amazing. I am so happy where I am and for good or bad being able to work I think makes me a better mom to you. I have loved you since you were born but once I was back at work I got to really feel it because I was not so overwhelmed and bogged down in the day to day, hour to hour of caring for you. I missed you. And I enjoy you so much on weekends or evenings now.)

Your daycare teachers were kind and I'm sure they did their best with you but they (or we?) were not great at communicating. Your teachers would fill out a report card about you every day and there were 4 moods that could be circled: Crying, Fussy, Alright or Happy. Almost every day, crying, fussy or nothing were circled. I swear you were there a month before you got an alright and 2 months before a happy. It is so much better now. We started to see slow differences about a month or a month and a half after you started. One teacher said you were her favorite and that if you were fussing all she had to do was talk to you and you would be fine again. And now you seem so entirely happy when I feed you at lunch or pick you up after work. You are almost always being held or playing contentedly with toys.

You've moved up to a new room now (a week ago) and they all love to comment on your legs and feet. When you are excited, happy, upset, your legs kick and move whether you are lying down, sitting up or being held. And especially when you are happy, your feet twirl in little circles. It is one of the best moments of my day to pick you up at daycare and have you smile big at me and start kicking your feet.

You have big beautiful toothless smiles. And when you are very happy, your whole body smiles.

You were and are such a happy baby. So observant and focused. It has been amazing watching your motor skills catch up to your attention. You easily pick things up and manipulate them now. You love "talking" whenever you have things in your mouth - your hands or toys. You will babble a little but often just make loud yelling noises.

You like to play peekaboo. It is one of the few things that makes you laugh (you are happy but you make us work pretty hard for a giggle). I put a blanket over your face and you pull it off and seem so incredibly happy to see me. And then we do it again and again.

Your dad has been doing bedtime with you almost every night for months now. He was the one who got you to fall asleep on your own. Your bedtime is 7 and almost every night after bottle, pjs, and story, he sets you down in your crib with a pacifier and lovey and you grumble for 10 minutes (almost exactly) and then fall asleep. It is amazing. I feel surprised by it almost every time it happens.

You are wonderful and I am doing my best to enjoy all of my minutes with you.

Things I want to remember at 6 weeks:

How sometimes when you are upset by something, you let out a sad cry and then make the saddest frowning face - almost a caricature of a frown, like one of those drama masks. It makes me giggle.

How when you are sleeping unswaddled, you sometimes throw your hands up above your head. You stretch out slowly,  and then go right back to sleeping.

How you look when you are swaddled. We call you our baby burrito - just an adorable face poking out of your tight blanket. My snugglebug.

How sometimes right after you eat, you get squirmy and fidgety and then all of the sudden quiet down and almost freeze into sleep. Like somebody flipped an off switch.

How you make grunty noises and baby elephant noises in your sleep. I'm ready for this phase to be over but I still want to remember that it existed. Last night, you made a noise that sounded exactly like laughter, a little chuckle. Somehow both your dad and I were awake enough to hear it and it was wonderful. I'm so excited for your smiles and your laughter.

How your dad will sing you to sleep with songs that we love (Book of Love, Such Great Heights, Apartment Story). He is amazing and so good with you.

Things are getting easier.

You are a month old tomorrow. Mostly things are amazing and wonderful and I am so glad you are here and healthy and seem as happy as someone who is not smiling yet can seem. Please keep that in mind because I sense that the rest of this may not reflect that accurately.

You rarely cry and are easy to soothe right now. Those are both wonderful traits and I am grateful for both of them but in that way that you know other people are worse off and you can tell yourself that but it doesn't really make it easier for you.

You really seem to hate sleeping. As in you just keeps your eyes open constantly for as long as you  possibly can. Not crying or anything - just wide awake. This doesn't become a problem until you get overtired and it is completely impossible to get you to sleep even tho you've been awake for (in one case) 6 hours. Yes, I googled it. That is quite unusual for a 2 week old.

.....

Coming back to look at this when you are now 7 months old. Things are so different. It was so hard then. You weren't colicy or cyring much but you were often so determined not to sleep. And it felt like it would be that way forever. The hardest part for me was still coming tho. Short naps - the bane of my existence. More on that later I think.

You're here!

Hi baby,

We're still waiting for you. I'm almost 42 weeks pregnant and doing well. I've been able to stay pretty positive. The hardest time for me was actually when I thought we were going to induce at or right before 41 weeks. I was just so nervous about that decision. Luckily our doctor thought it was safe to wait a little longer for you. And I'm glad because (without getting into details) my body seems to be more ready this week than it was last week. So, even if labor doesn't start on its own, I'm guessing things will go more smoothly.

I wanted to tell you how amazing your dad is. His excitement has been a really helpful counterpoint to any nervousness I have lately. I am so excited to meet you too, but I sometimes get bogged down in practicalities. Your dad has described waiting for you as being like Christmas Eve and told me that he thinks his heart will explode when he gets to hold you. Writing those things just made me cry - granted I cry pretty easily right now, but it's been incredible seeing how excited he is to meet you.

Your Mom

Hi baby,

My due date is about a week away now. I was doing so good at just thinking, "end of October" rather than a specific date but it's much harder as it gets closer. I have had a few moments of "I am going to be pregnant forever", but for the most part I'm still managing to stay reasonably peaceful and accepting of what may come.

So we are about as ready as we can be for you. You really like kicking and moving in there. I love hearing your heartbeat every week now. I still have a hard time believing that there is going to be another person in our house, in our life. I am so very much looking forward to seeing what you are like.

If I'm anxious about anything it is my mood after you are born. I don't do so well with hormones sometimes and I know that that combined with lack of sleep is going to be rough. Your dad has pointed out how much everyone likes to tell parents-to-be how hard it all is. How we won't get any sleep, and you'll probably have colic, and there will be poop everywhere. Your dad and I are pretty practical people however. So, while I'm sure we can't imagine the exact amounts of sleeplessness, crying and poop, I don't think we will exactly be surprised by most of those things. What people should tell us is all of the amazing moments that I know we will have. I have a good feeling that despite all of the tough stuff, getting to hold you will make it worth it.

Oh yea, and so far (not to jinx it, I hope) my belly button did not pop out. Thank goodness.

Your Mom

Hello Baby Girl,

I feel the need to write to you or to write to myself - just to remember what this all feels like.

- I am spending way too much time looking at baby items and checking to make sure everything I have on our registry is exactly the right thing to have on our registry and thinking for too much time about which bottles and breastpump and diapers and onesies will be the absolute best bottles and breastpump and diapers and onesies. Online shopping is my version of nesting.

- Actual nesting is coming soon. The nursery is getting ready to be ready. We have your crib set up (although it is still mattress-less.) and shelves and a recliner. And I have ideas for how I want everything to be. I want to wait until after the baby shower to purchase a lot of items tho. So for now, the nursery sits oddly half-way done.

- I feel you moving all the time. Squirming and kicking and sometimes trying to bash into my organs. Your dad (whoa!) found a picture in one of the many informational books/pamphlets we have collected of how everything (organs and such) fit in there before and after a person is pregnant. I just want to get in and rearrange things to make more space for you and for all of my organs. Like, maybe if I could just shift this kidney a little to the left... and move my lungs up a little.... nope, it will all work as well as it can but I am expecting a little discomfort for both of us.

- I'm enjoying this whole thing more than I expected. I've had a relatively drama and discomfort-free pregnancy (lets hope that continues) and I feel like I will miss having you around when you are out in the world. (Obviously you will still be around, but not so close). Of course I am very much looking forward to you being out in the world - I can't even begin to imagine what it will be like. To see you!

- I am anticipating that it will be hard - for all of us. It must not be very pleasant for you to suddenly have to adjust to things like breathing and being able to fully move your arms. As if someone just flung me out into space and I could technically survive but found that I now had a completely foreign method of breathing and moving and eating.

- I worry less than I expected about things that should worry me. I know you will get out one way or another, whether that involves me being drugged to high heaven or you beatifically entering the world while I prove my drug-free womanly strength. Yes, I will probably be more worried about labor as it gets closer but I would like to keep my calm while I can.

- I worry more about absolutely silly things like whether or not my belly button will pop out - to the point where I got slightly... hysterical about the idea of it. Does it matter if that (horrible dreadful thing) happens? No, of course not. And I obviously know that, but I still haven't quite reconciled myself with the idea.

- I feel so much love towards you already. I didn't really thing it would work that way - that I would love you when it seemed like you would just be a weird little alien being in my stomach. But yes, 67 days before you are due to come into this world (as my Target registry so helpfully tells me) I feel like you are a person in there and I love you.

Your Mom.